Abandoning My (Current) Life Crisis

It is perfect outside today. Not quiiite shorts weather, but another 3 degrees and I’d totally be there. Actually, I take that back. I hate shorts. Do you know any woman above the age of 19 who likes them? Just some food for thought.

I have decided to stop obsessing about my future because it’s, like, sort of ruining the present. For instance, this blog hasn’t been updated in several weeks. It’s not because I haven’t tried. It’s that when I sat down to write, my thought process went something like this:

Jesus, you’re finally writing. Well, it had better be good to make up for all the time you haven’t been writing. Oh, and while we’re at it – weren’t you going to apply for grad school? Don’t you need, uh, a writing sample? Doesn’t it have to be, like, 25 pages? What’ve you got so far? Five? You’re a miserable excuse for a writer, and probably a human being in general. By the way, your first sentence sucks.

And then I’d slam my laptop closed and go and cry and watch Top Chef and eat peanut butter out of the jar.

A couple days ago I woke up and realized that this strategy isn’t producing any masterpieces. In fact, it isn’t producing anything except, well, insomnia, an ulcer, and a nervous tick. So here is the plan as it now stands: Grad school may happen, or it may not. Either way, deadlines are a long ways off, so I’ve got some time. I will write without putting pressure on myself to compose a Pulitzer-worthy memoir every time I sit down at the computer. I will buy one of those awful GRE study books and seriously contemplate taking the test sign up for the damn test. (On the plus side, I hear that GRE scores hardly count for anything in the M.F.A. admissions process, which makes sense. I mean, can you imagine a roomful of skinny emo kids made to sit for hours without coffee and cigarettes? My test score will shine like a light unto the nation next to theirs. Not that it will matter.)

And when I freak out this weekend about how I can’t write anything halfway decent to turn in to my class to be workshopped, I will take a deep breath and meditate on the thought that all is One. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll comfort myself by remembering that what my classmates have written so far is total and utter crap.

But for now, I will revel in my afternoon off by doing laundry, cleaning the bathroom, and cooking dinner for myself and Boyfriend, who, Ladies and Gentlemen, is moving in tonight. Pray for me. Wait, no, scratch that. Pray for him.

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May 23, 2008. Uncategorized.

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